| Early recovery is better than active addiction. |
[Feb. 26th, 2008|01:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | studio | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | colourful | ] |
Hi!
Time to post yo! I've been living my life the hard way since my last post. Being drug free is a hell of alot easier than living with the guilt and shame of knowing you are fucking with your own wellbeing. Drugs are fucking evil. Having to hold onto the secret that I busted from my loved ones has been taking up 95% of my energy. The other 5% of my energy was wasted on hating myself intensly. Narcotics anonymous has relieved alot of those feelings though and I feel much better and more open to talking about it now. I still havn't told one of my best friends (probably reading this now) but I am building myself up to doing it next time I see him. I had six months clean up and now i am currently nine days clean. Can't wait to be six months again!
I spent the weekend staying very busy at NA meetings and spending time with friends ect. I drove around too much in my car dropping people off and picking people up and now i do not want to drive for a very long time. The back tyre of my bike went flat so i'll be going by foot most places. I finished another canvas today and might be selling one of my others (that I do not even like that much) for sixty dorrah.
Sweeeet sweeeeet candy!
That's about all I have to say for now.
Much love homies! oxo |
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| bye! |
[Feb. 18th, 2008|02:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
Hey hey! This'll be my last post before i go off on my 80 km coastal hike. Yep, pretty hardcore. Me and four other women will be embarking on an eleven day trek along the southern coast of Australia. I am not looking forward to carrying my back pack which weighs all of around 22kg, but the idea was to be out of my comfort zone. My life has been a bit a bit blurry over the last few weeks so I am also in need of some time out to decide what it is I want and need to do. I am struggling more than i'd like to admit oxo |
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| ah the serenity |
[Jan. 29th, 2008|03:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
Another day at the studio and I have completed one more set of Gameboy stencils, this time on a sheet! Yes, the type you clothe your bed with. It's a nice sheet. It has little red love hearts all over it which I thought would be very appropriate as a canvas. Two friends of mine are travelling up to brisbane this weekend for an exibition and they wanted something of mine to take with them :) Go forth Gameboy stencils, REPRESENT Megageekee!!! With limited colours and cans to use it turned out quite well. I had a fabulous long weekend, spending time with some of my favourite people. I am very much looking forward to next weekend as Loscha is taking me to see Sweeny Tod (!!!!!!) and then dinner after :) He and Mitten saw it on the weekend and apparently it is amazing so i can't wait! I'm babysitting Ebony-Jane tonight and tomorrow the studio will be shut which is a bit of a downer as I have heaps of work to do. I will hand out some resumes around the collingwood, fitzroy, carlton area instead and then maybe even get some paid work...... Yup!
Ciao for now! oxo |
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| i'm hot, in both ways :) |
[Jan. 9th, 2008|12:57 pm] |
i just rode my bike up the hill on langridge street on my way to the art studio and i think i'm gonna die. No not really, i'm just the most unfittest person i know at the moment. It has been about a year since i have ridden my beautiful Ladybird bike and i forgot how much effort is required to peddle. I retrieved it from Earthenwares backyard the day before yesterday and it has become mega rusty but it is still so trusty and i love it!
I'm posing for photo's today in my new electric blue party dress. My bestie Kristen is submitting some photo's for the digital art exhibition that is being held in March. I love photo's so I was happy to volunteer as a model for the project.
I was thinking of Loscha this morning and praying that he got the job he went for yesterday. They'd have to be fricken idiots to knock him back for that position i say!
Ok, gotta go pose :) oxo |
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| Day 8/13 |
[Jan. 1st, 2008|02:30 pm] |
shitfuck! I am so bored.
but I also feel so loved. New years was not so much of a letdown this year. I'm reminded of how many loving, caring people i have in my life with all the texts and phone calls i've been recieving. Speaking of friends, my friend Mo mo Murphy messaged me from the sunshine coast last night and i am hoping to arrange a drive up there to see Max (her son) and her before I leave this shithole of a state. She sent me big love ups and it'd be awsome to catch up with her.
My best friend Kristen phoned yesterday to tell me she'd cut all her dread locks off. I've been suggesting she do this for weeks so I was very excited to hear that she finally did it. I can't wait to see the results. I miss her so much. I love how her beautiful daughter Ebony-Jane calls me Aunty Hayley. I've pretty much decided i'm never having children. They are way too demanding and I am way too self-centred to put their needs in front of my own. It would be a disaster. I'm going to go and watch some more crappy cable while i have the chance. After today I will be back at my mums house with no spa and no computer. Gay x 10.
Love your Ladybug oxo |
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| I had to do it. |
[Dec. 31st, 2007|06:39 pm] |
I changed my flight home to Sunday the 6th of january. That's less than one week away. The tenth (previous return home date) was OVER a week away and I just couldn't sit with that. Call me indecisive, impulsive, unwilling to commit to set plans, prone to changing my mind ect ect ect. I don't care! I'll cop to it. Just be happy for me.....please! And remind me to never book a holiday in Queensland exceeding seven days ever again and i'll love you forever (and ever and ever)! :)
I watched Stanley Kubricks The Shining for the first time not stoned on christmas day and again on the 27th and it was greater than just great with one of these ! The special features where extra cool as Wendy Carlos (Edward Loscha ljuser, I give you many prop for knowing about such interesting people and introducing me them) AND her cats where on there, along with this whack instrument she built especially for the project. Apparently Stanley was very fond of her cats too. How sweet.
I watched the Notorius Betty Page on dvd today. Now I want to be an innocent little jesus loving pin up girl from the fifties! I also watched This is England. The kid who plays Shaun is soooo adorable! He's got that really attractive odd looking thing going on and the character he plays has a fuck off punk rock attitude (with pommy accent). I love him! The next Edward Furlong I say. My third viewing was The Simpsons Movie (finally). It was as good as i expected it to be and I'd just like to say when it comes to boys, i AM Lisa Simpson. Swooning is such fun.
The highlight of my day yesterday was swinging my little brother around in circles by his hands and accidently making him throw up. It was only a little bit and he swallowed it back down like a trooper. Cinnamon is now affectionately known as Cinny-minny-moo. Has a nice ring to it don't you think? Mum bought me an electric blue mini skirt today. I rushed home and undid the hem to show a little less leg but despite this it is still the shortest skirt i own. It will look awsome with knee high white socks or bright fishnet tights. Yay!
Love from your Ladybug oxo |
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| Day 3/16 |
[Dec. 26th, 2007|03:07 pm] |
I'm back at my Aunt and Uncles house, yay! There is so much food left over and we came over to eat as there are no supermarkets open here! (except IGA which mum was not going to pay extra for what I wanted, despite how convienient it would have been) I was also shocked to hear that the shops are closed on Sundays. I mean ALL the shops, including supermarkets. I'm so used to living the city :)
So far no replies from the messages I sent out to Toowoomba lj users that seemed kinda interesting. I did however find out that their is street press called LOUD and that i can get it from my nearest brothers nelson store, ha ha ha! You can also find it at some random music stores which is where i shall be getting mine from. For those of you who don't Know what brothers nelson it is a surf shop.
My cousin Lindsay has an emo boyfriend :) Just thought that was worth mentioning.
My brother and sister are so extremely cute, they really are. Cinnamon is going to be so gorgeous when she grows up. I reckon she'll look just like me but with blue eyes he he he. My friend Joel has been messaging me alot. He's a nice guy and I am very gratefull for all the interesting new people I have met since I left Odyssey House. To all my old friends who are reading this, I love you too!
I'm going to do more searching oxo |
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| I'm in fucking QLD! |
[Dec. 25th, 2007|07:20 pm] |
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ye-he-hes, i am in qeensland. Day two of sixteen and I am home sick already, no surprise. I was pretty emotional yesterday. My mums life at the moment is seemingly very conventional. Nice house, kids, car, family ect. So far removed from what I experienced growing up with her. I had feelings of overwhelming relief and cried alot before I passed out on her sofa bed. Today I am feeling much more my usual self. I spent time on teh interweb sussing out the arts music scene here in toowoomba and yes! There is live music and bands and thank God, a university which harbours creative, forward thinking and open minded people. Just the type I am attracted to :) So......I may not re-book my return flight back to Melbourne at an earlier date as yet oxo |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2007|01:43 pm] |
I'm feeling great.
It took me an hour and a half to clean my smallish kitchen this morning and I just realised I forgot to tick my little box on the cleaning roster. One of my housemates is so rad she has devised a cleaning roster where our names are rotated and we have one designated area of the house to clean per week with one week off per month. This makes my life easier (as I tend to forget what and when my commitments are) and I love her for it. Joe is one of my new best friends and he keeps buggin g me to get a myspace page but I am choosing to say no to myspace. Whether or not this is a smart move is debatable. I'm going now. I have a stencil to finish oxo |
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| goodmorning lj users |
[Nov. 30th, 2007|08:11 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | thankful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | breakfasters | ] |
I'm finding it a wee bit strange using the shiny white computers in Collingwood but can kinda see why the kids flip over them. Ive been keeping up my therapy in various different ways but my moods are still hella erratic, something I'm working on managing. The psychiatrist at Odyssey diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder which I can deal with as long as I maintain healthy relationships with people who are caring and supportive. I also need to stay aware of my thought processes, be gentle on myself and slow the fuck down. My mind seems to think I can do ten million things all at once which is impossible and unnecessary. I'm feeling happy and proud of the progress I've made since I left Odyssey. I'm also feeling very grateful for the support and encouragement I've received from friends and loved ones. |
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| Welcom back Hayley (please) |
[Nov. 20th, 2007|12:53 pm] |
It's been 15 weeks since my last post. That's 15 weeks in rehab yo! I'm proud. So hi! To all my computer operating lovlies. I'm inspired, i'm using an imac (ooh) and I just discovered there is no right click on the mouse. Carl doesn't know what a right click function is so he has claimed the most computer illiterate person in the room award. I thought i was owner of that title man. Yes I may not be drug affected anymore but I still talk like a stoner...sometimes. I'm going to read some friends entries now. Bye oxo |
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| Pirates on an Odyssey, Odyssey......... |
[Jul. 31st, 2007|05:51 pm] |
Well folks, the time has come to say goodbye :( I'll be leaving Bill's house at 9:30am tomorrow and I'm surprisingly calm about the whole thing. I've packed my bags.
The six cd's I've decided to take are as follows:
Night at the Opera - Queen
Odyssey - Deerhoof
Demon Days - Gorillaz
Straight Lines - silverchair
Bee Thousand - Guided by Voices
Jennifer Gentle - Valende
Books:
Animal Farm - George Orwell
1984 - George Orwell
The Character of Cats - Stephen Budiansky
Personal Items:
Framed Ladybug cross stitch
Toy Wind up robot friend
Bright yellow perspex dome with tiny cats and fake flower kitch Ornament
Rainbow page Visual Diary
Neue Farben 28 pen set
Oil pastels
Sushi stickers
Big tub of colorful paper clips
Photo's of loved ones
Old Visual Diary
New Visual Diary
Pencil Case
Poem Bill wrote me
Calvin Klein One Perfume
And the rest is clothes, socks and undies. I managed to fit all of this into one large suitcase and one small suitcase. I'd just like to say thank you to all my friends who have supported me so much over the past month. You know who you are and I love you! If you'd like a letter or postcard sent to you from my new home, please leave a comment with your postal address and I'll put you on the snail mailing list :)
Love hugs and kisses from Hayley aka Ladybugoxo
Neue Farben!
Don't forget me! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2007|09:40 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Earthenware Manor | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | JamesEarthenware jamming in teh studio | ] |
Man, it's only nine thirty AM so that means I've been up for 4 hours already! It feels so much better to be awake most of the time (as opposed to half conscious when stoned)! Gone are the days of being a stoner. I'm now aware of the clear distinction between FEELING like a smoke and actually physically going and doing it. Although I've felt like smoking a few times in the past few days, I don't feel the need to go do it which is a huge relief. It hasn't been as hard as I thought since I removed myself from my old environment and bad influences (it was only one person who I had to cut myself off from, the rest of my friends are clean, drug free people who have offered major support and encouragement). LJ users: Earthenware, Loscha, Dreamglotten, xJimix to name a few, thank you and i love you! xJimix got back from his trip up the coast yesterday and he got to go in a helicopter ride around the twelve apostles! The only time I've been in a helicopter was at Dreamworld in 2003. We flew over the Big Brother house, it was awsome! Speaking of Big Brother.... How annoyed am I that it looks like Travis is going to win? The answer is very. I totally agree with Zac about the whole celebrating the same type of personality year after year. I'm not saying Travis isn't a genuinely nice guy and everything, I'm just saying he's such a predictable winner and to me, predictable = boring. Rachel (RDFreak) I hope you're still following BB even though you're overseas, I'm sure you are :) My plans for today are as follows:
-Have a really hot shower (maximum 5 minutes to be enviro friendly)
-get dressed for cold weather (maximum of 16 degrees today, not too bad i guess)
-Listen to some extremely loud music in my room because I don't have to worry about neighbors anymore and this will also to get my adrenalin pumping
-Walk to Malvern to purchase some clear hair bands as I am running dangerously low
-Have lunch
-Chill out with Bill and go with him to enrol in a management course
-Attend my third last preparation meeting for Odyssey at 2pm
-Drive home and watch some telly maybe?
-Have dinner
-watch Neighbors and Big Brother
-read for awhile
-Sleep
An all round, stress free day. And guess what?! I just found out I'm getting my bond back from my old flat!!! A miracle of sorts as there was a bit of damage from blue tac on the walls and cats clawing at screens and carpet. It was actually a bond loan from the housing department so I won't be owing them anything, yay!
Bye for now oxo |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2007|05:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Bill's | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper | ] |
Whoopee everyone! I'm staying at Bill's and it's nice and warm here for a change! Jimi has gone away for the weekend and we stole teh heater from his room but don't tell anyone he he :) My head hurts and I'm tempted to take a codeine tablet but I won't. Me thinks I need some water or fluid of some sort. Preferably not too sugary as I've decided to ween myself off sugar as well, slowly. I need to lose about fifteen kilos to be at my healthy weight and I'm hoping the vigorous time schedule at Odyssey will aid that. The food is supposed to be good too and I doubt I will have whole packets of tim tams at my disposal either so my weight goal will be acheivable. Bye bye to copious amounts of chocolate and junk food (sigh). Hello to hot new body, yay! A friend from Queensland and I went to see Factory Girl yesterday. Bill and I went to the premier a few weeks ago for free (thanks RRR) so I can justify paying to see it a second time. I really really liked it the first time and enjoyed it as much yesterday. I've been moderately fascinated with Andy Warhol and his associates since I became a HUGE Velvet Underground fan when I first moved to Melbourne. My flatmate introduced them to me and hence they became the soundtrack to my life. The box set I bought of all their recordings covers pretty much the whole spectrum of emotions. Lou Reed was an asshole but he wrote really good songs while he was fucked up on drugs. Mo inspired me to learn drums (which led me to realize I have no musical talent whatsoever) and John Cale was such a mesmerizing improvisationalist. Sterling well...he was there. Nico made tambourine playing seem interesting. Anyway, back to Andy...he was one crazy SOAB and I feel much more akin to Bob Dylan's view of the world at the time which is illustrated in Factory Girl when Edie meets with him briefly during her downward spiral.
This post is bordering on too long. Bill needs a massage, gotta go oxo |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2007|06:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Bill's | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
"I am a scientist, I seek to understand me.
I am an incurable and nothing else behaves like me"
Bob Pollard
I have no idea how to explain what I'm feeling right now in words.
I need to catch up with some friends.
Progress is being made and the real world is struggling to keep up.
Those with swift fingers shall decrease this frustration.
Sharing is no longer optional.
Compulsory white lie detector.
Ladybugoxo |
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| This could get heavy. |
[Jun. 11th, 2007|07:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Bill's | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | Not impressed. | ] |
Hi!
I've been thinking a lot lately.
My boss even told me I think too much.
This is cool with me as I get the impression she hardly thinks at all.
I'm frustrated because I'm the only English speaking staff member there and I'm expected to be an interpreter, a personal care co-coordinator, a cleaner and a general carer all at once.
I sound like such a whining cow right now!
Oops, stupid me, I was thinking again (insert wrong answer sound effect from family feud :)
Just for a change oxo |
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| DEAN CERTIFICATE = my new crush. |
[Jun. 1st, 2007|11:11 am] |
I'm posting these dates here so I don't forget to go! Short term memory loss sucks ass!
Upcoming Shows ( view all )
1 Jun 2007 8:00 P
Pony melbourne, Victoria
7 Jun 2007 8:00 P
STOP DROP ROLL (GLASS HOUSE) Collingwood, Victoria
16 Jun 2007 9:00 P
The Brunswick Hotel(compilation limited edition release) Brunswick, Victoria
21 Jul 2007 3:00 P
4ZzZ (radio interview with Tiffany Dimmack)between 3pm-5pm Brisbane, Queensland
21 Jul 2007 8:00 P
FAT LOUIES Brisbane, Queensland
28 Jul 2007 6:00 P
IRENE WAREHOUSE(fundraiser for new album)to be announced Brunswick, Victoria
9 Aug 2007 8:00 P
bar open (filmed for DVD release) fitzroy, Victoria
11 Aug 2007 2:00 A
Pony(2am slot) melbourne, Victoria
This dude is definitely worth seeing if you were a grunge child like me oxo |
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| ME TAKING A MENTAL DUMP. |
[May. 27th, 2007|05:27 pm] |
All through out high school and my late teen years I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. The prospect of a career in anything at the time was nil. This resulted in me joining the workforce as soon I completed year 12 and taking up meaningless unsatisfying retail positions until the age of 24. When I decided to study Aged care last year it was a decision based on 1. likelihood of finding work and getting paid and 2. being able to feel good about what i was doing with my life. Once I was exposed to Aged care I realized there were many avenues I could take to increase my status and financial stability. Pretty soon I realized that I was getting myself involved with people who had "the overwhelming desire or urge to advance one's own career or social status, usually at the expense of other personal interests or social growth." This was SO not what I wanted to be. I wanted a career that gave me an outlet for my natural desire to help and care for people in need. I've had five different jobs in the last 6 months and I love the residents and people I've cared for but the staff and organizations (facilities) have always alienated me from my initial purpose, to do something completely selfless. This is because their systems where based on making money just as much as providing quality care. Luckily I've found a place to work where the staff aren't all backstabbing careerist psychopaths so I am able to focus on my work which is to care for people with psychiatric disability. I've made financial sacrifices because the pay rate for carers is much lower than retail workers but I don't have to deal with my conscience telling me I'm contributing to the worlds moral demise. With my new job I also have enough time and energy left over to pursue my other non work related interests such as music, video games and the love of my life, James Earthenware. Thank you God ooxxoo
Much love oxo |
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| Customers suck! |
[May. 13th, 2007|06:28 pm] |
I worked at BP for three years and I could tell you many story. The worst was a lady with a Cabrini hospital uniform on. This is how it went:
ME me
PC pregnant customer
FW fellow worker
RB rude bitch
RB approaches counter with choc chip icecream....
RB I'll have this thanks. Oh no I want plain chocolate
RB proceeds to go back to freezer to select plain choc icecream
Meanwhile line is forming....
RB returns complaining to FW that there should be more varieties of plain chocolate and that everybody prefers plain ect ect ect in an extremely confronting manner
ME What seems to be the problem?
RB You don't stock plain icecream and all i want is plain chocolate and all you've got is chocolate with this or that (she was refering to that connoisseur icecream that has chocolate chips and swirls in it)
Meanwhile line is getting longer. Customers behind her are looking at us in disbelief. PC steps up to the counter beside RB.....
ME Sorry but we can't order specific brands for every individual customer. What's on the shelf is what we've got at the moment.
RB (Losing her shit) You look like you'd eat choclate chip! (lamest insult ever!)
PC (stares at RB in disbelief) Excuse me but that was so rude talking to someone in that way.
RB (looking PC up and down) Why don't you shutup ya fat cow! (SHE WAS PREGNANT FOR FUCKS SAKE!)
RB turns around and storms off yelling other profanities over her shoulder
The best part is I got to watch it all over again on the security camera straight after! Can you imagine trying to work with someone like that. Shit a brick! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 30th, 2007|10:25 am] |
I got a job today.
It's in this big old house and the residents mostly have psychiatric disabilities.
I'm a bit scared but it's only two days a week so I shouldn't be.
I did want to study something to do with mental health so I guess this will help me to decide whether I like this field or not.
I'm pretty open minded, we'll see how it goes oxo |
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